So the winter schedule for Community College was FINALLY released this week, and I've got a little over a month to figure out what I want to take. I'm not going to go for any required classes, since Winter is only half a semester, and thus it's only half the credits. A full time student would be taking 6 to 8 units, which is either two or three classes, depending on what classes I take, exactly.

So far, I've compiled a small list of what I want to take, and for my own organization and sanity, I'm going to write out the pros and cons of each of them.

IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER:

⍤ In order to qualify for some of these course, you MUST take an assessment/placement test to figure out what English & Math levels you should be in, and if you're eligible. You need to call the College and make an appointment before classes are available to sign up.
⍤ Call Pali High for a transcript in order to sign up for classes.
⍤ REMINDER: Sign up for Winter 2010 starts November 16th, 2009

( List Of Classes for Winter 2010 )

Talking with a grandparent about how you feel is sometimes the hardest thing to do because of their desire to remind the youngin's that they're the eldest and wisest, and that anything we say won't change a thing to the situation, because they're always right. Regardless of what they might've said or done, it's never going to be their fault because you will never be right, and you are complaining because what you really feel is that they are dead weight in your eyes, and you want them dead.

You don't know how much the "YOU WANT ME DEAD!" excuse pisses me off, and it comes more often as grandparents get older. My problem is with my grandmother, who is already a persistent perfectionist who, although she complains about aches and pains and feels old, she looks like she's in her mid 50's and she's very modern compared to most elderly people. Usually, those that aren't from the U.S. actually try to keep up appearances as they age, rather than give up and wear striped long sleeved shirts and underpants lined with pads in case they piss themselves. My grandmother isn't a pushover in any sense, stubborn, and will never admit that anything is her fault, which really grinds my personality, which is basically the same as hers, except that if I fuck up, I actually DO apologize, rather than act like I'm holier than everyone in a 5 miles radius.

I understand old age, I had to take care of my grandfather who was suffering from hardcore diabetes, bed ridden and had a serious sweet tooth. I would feed him, take care of him as much as my nine year old self could, until he finally had to be taken to a hospital. I understand people ultimately change as they age, and they lose their "former glory" involuntarily, and that it's not their fault that they might act differently. You might get arthritis, lose you eyesight or your hearing, and it's both a gratifying and saddening experience.

Whenever I tell someone that my grandmother lives with me, they look at me in disbelief, as if having your grandparent live with you than in an old folks home is unheard of. Maybe it's either because my family's heritage has appreciated elderly people, or because we actually care about her well being. Putting a grandparent in a home if you actually can support them is one of the cruelest things you can do (unless it's in Florida, because they'll probably have more fun there with the sunny weather than with you in whatever climate you live in, even if in L.A.) I both love and respect my grandmother, and the bond between her, my mother, and I goes to show how three generations can thrive together. I both respect and appreciate her home cooked meals, her advice whenever I need it, her back in the day stories that make her nostalgic and homesick for Argentina; but then come the moments where I literally feel so suffocated by this woman that I want to scream and move out of the house.

Lately, I've been feeling like the latter statement is even overriding her usual self, and maybe it's because of old age, or maybe it's because she doesn't want to accept the fact that she's getting older, but whatever it is, it's making me feel like complete, utter and unnecessary shit. The one thing that's been affecting her the most is her hearing which hasn't always been the best, but now it's come to the point that even if I say something audible to the ear, she can't hear it herself. I'll admit, it gets frustrating, but you need to accept it and respect it, which I do, so I'll repeat it a little louder, but she thinks I'm talking back to her because of my tone of voice, and she'll get offended. I'll also admit that, in the past, I have spoken before thinking about what I'm about to say, but I've worked on that flaw of mine. This quality, however, comes out when I've been accused of talking back, and it starts an all out war of wanting to have the final word in the argument, which is something myself and my grandmother crave when fighting with someone.

When my mother tries to defend me, my grandmother gets hurt and accuses us of working against her, that we want her to die and that we don't care about her anymore. If we TRULY didn't care, we would've done something about it years ago, believe me; people don't wait to ship off "unwanted" people, and my grandmother has not been viewed that way at all. As many times as you'll try to talk with her through something, which is my first instinct to do with a person when I have a problem, she'll shrug it off and continue to complain. It's gotten to the point where my mom has left home to go drive around and cool off, and I've gotten so depressed to the point where I don't want to live anymore.

There hasn't been a month, a week, or at least a couple of days where things have been good. The whole summer was okay, but there would be those moments where all shit would go to hell and there would just be nothing but depression going about the house. More of this happened during September, which I consider one of the worst months of the year due to all of the fighting and shit that went on during that time, not just with my grandmother, but with everyone in my family. My uncle and aunt's presence in the house while they were living with us for most of the summer also put a huge damper on everything, and once they left, we thought that things might get better. They did a little, but it all ended up being null when my grandmother started to complain and guilt my mom and I about everything, and blaming us for anything she could think of.

In these these couple of months, and even right now, I feel like I've been losing myself slowly, and becoming a hollow shell of what I used to be..which wasn't much to begin with anyways. I'm really tired of a lot of things in my life, and all of those things can be easily undone and rearranged with a bit of patience. My sleeping habits, my eating habits, my current sedentary life, my wanting to be more productive, my laziness to getting things done, my hatred of being alone, my anti-social life, my love life (or lack thereof), my family problems, my boredom, among other things. I've lost sight of what I want to be and what makes me happy, because I wasn't always like this. All of Junior year until nearly the end of last year was amazing and I felt so alive, but now I feel so dim and unnecessary. I just need to get back on track, but I really want my depression to stop. I want to stop feeling hollow, and I want to stop feeling unneeded, when that's not the case.

I just need guidance.

FUCK YES, Kanye West. I don't care if you were drunk or whatever, preach brotha PREACH!

I'm tired of the Teen generation being retarded.

In my journal, the subject of affections and love are usually the most touched upon, but today it's not about who I like or don't like, but more about how frustrating it is to see, and experience, the awkwardness between men and women. The concept of men and women showing affections for the other, and there not being any awkward silences, some sort of stuttering or laughing involved before the impending answer, or a curt look of confusion (or one of as if you're going to rape them the next time they look away), is close to impossible, at least in my experiences.

Today, I was with my friends Tyler and Sina, Tyler being a woman and Sina being a guy, and this topic kept on fading in and out of our conversations. Sina agreed on how both sexes are just too afraid to hear the opposites answer on whether their affections are requited or not. It all started when we were discussing about how a friend of ours was recently told by a man friend that, in High School, he had wanted to fuck her for most of the four years, and that SHE should've let him. Mind you, our friend had a crush on this guy in middle school, and there were plenty of opportunities to have a fucking festivity, but because of the miscommunication between them both, the opportunity was a failure. This, HOWEVER, does not give the guy any right to tell our friend that it was her fault that she "didn't let him fuck her" when she DIDN'T EVEN KNOW. This guy also having a girlfriend doesn't help her obliviousness to the situation, either.

Maybe I'm being too uptight, but I'd be extremely pissed at this guy. There's nothing wrong with telling the truth, but the fact that he couldn't get the balls to just TELL HER either to her face or even when they were in the same city (he's off to college already) just really irks me. I've actually have had this happen to me a few times already this summer, where guys that I barely keep contact with even during High School send me messages via Facebook confessing that they think I'm pretty or that I have a great personality, and even when I respond with appreciation for their comments, I'll be damned that they ask for my number and try to "hit me up" for a date.

Since when did every single comment become a segue for trying to get laid?

I'm guessing a lot of the guys who try to pick up girls during the transitioning summer between HS and college are just struggling with their last efforts to have sex before they are sent off, where sexual awkwardness and frustration are prominent factors almost every minute of the day in the dorm rooms. Tyler's dorm room life with the people there has been teeming with sexual frustrations, and at least for the men there, still being a virgin when entering Freshmen year is seemingly frowned upon.

As for women, they love the pursuit of flirting with the guy of their affections, exchanging phones numbers, being awkward and, by their warped definition, cute. This isn't EVERY girl, obviously, but from what I've seen and have been amicable with, there's a grand majority of young women that want to get fucked, but will be total cock teases while in the process; because you can't just give it up front, you need to make your man WORK for that meal!

I, myself, have been called a cock tease on some occasions, mostly because I'm just awkward as hell when it comes to relationships, seeing as how my last "serious" boyfriend was in the end of fifth grade, and so I'm kind of afraid of commitment..real commitment where you actually stay with the guy, get to know him, begin to love him, etc. The closest I've been to relationships with men in recent years has been platonic-turned-affection interest friendships, and if not requited, can be the worst things ever for both parties. In my case, I lost my extremely close guy friend because of my stupid affections, and now we rarely even speak to each other.

One of my girlfriends starves for manly affections, especially with sex. The relationships aren't even meaningful, they are just opportunities to get naked, be praised for her nudity, and then get screwed dispassionately while being high as fuck. I just shake my head.

I'm obviously being a hypocrite in all of this, because even up to now, I have kept my affections for the guy I like secret, and I honestly don't plan on spilling it now or when he does leave for college. The only thing a confession would do is make the friendship...awkward. Our friendship started late in the school year, we rarely hang out on a one to one basis, and my crush isn't that big of a deal where I NEED to spill it, so I'd rather just keep it platonic. There are some things that are nicer to just fantasize about, and this is one of them. I also think I'm not ready to confess to someone just yet, seeing as how the last one was rejected and sent me into a depression..I think the double whammy just got to me.

But in most situations, I am very open about my opinions about them in terms of compliments. If I think you smell good, if you have pretty hair, if you have a great personality, etc., I'LL TELL YOU. I know some people are just natural introverts and that it disturbs their cycle, or maybe the person just doesn't like compliments because they are cynical towards the world, but then again it's reality and you need to cope with it. If a guy tells me I'm beautiful, I'll accept it; if I have no clue who they are and am not interested, yet they ask for my number, then BACK DA FUCK UP.

In my long winded rant about affections, it just upsets me that compliments are the new come ons. It's no longer, "Are you from another planet, because you are out of this world!" to "Nice keds! Wanna fuck?"

Actually no, they are more elaborate than that. They actually sound like the compliment has meaning, but in the end, it's just a never ending quest to get the pussy.

Ever since the trailer for 9 has come out, I've been extremely excited to finally see a CGI movie that isn't made by PIXAR/Dreamworks and that actually has an exponentially darker tone that most computer generated films; also, the fact that the trailer has Coheed and Cambria's "Welcome Home" blasting in the background definitely helped the hype. So when the film finally came out in theaters yesterday, on 9/9/09 (which was also one of the weirdest days of the year), I was sad to see that the movie didn't live up to the hype that I have made for it for the past couple of months, and it didn't live up to it in many aspects.

( Spoilers for  )
Best line of the movie: "FIVE!"
"NINE!"
"SEEEVEEEENNNNNNNN!!!!"

One of the few times that I really want rain to just fall.

Why am I feeling so anxious?


Again, this feeling is overcoming me, like a wave that just doesn't cease to crash against the eroded rocks.

• 12:42 Man dis play about ducks and shit SUCKS DICK #

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• 08:45 You know you go to the nurses office frequently when they know your name right as you walk through the door. #

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